My Double Life

This doesn’t mean I’m necessarily coming back now, but I probably will soon. I started eating normally. No restricting. No caring. But it still hits me when I look in the mirror that I’m not what I want myself to be. Especially with the scars on my legs. Glad it’s winter. No shorts allowed. 

To all of my friends that I talked to… I miss you. I do. But being on Tumblr, seeing people commit this unbearably slow suicide… it makes me scared. I see it now, how scary this is. But I’m still craving the nothing. 

I don’t know if I’ll come back, but I’m still alive. I’m still a person, out there. I’m still scared as hell for you all. All my wishes go to each and every one of the people reading this. I don’t care if I don’t know you. Just knowing that you are there… I wish you the best. Not with restricting, no, but with fixing your eyes. Updating your brain.

I am so, so very sorry.

After three months of being stuck - tires revving but unable to budge - I’m back.

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 The summer sucked all my motivation away like a black hole eating up it’s vulnerable surroundings. I looked in the dusty mirror and wanted to change, but my mind kept telling me to eat, eat, eat, little girl. Be healthy/better/chubby/full. I would make it until 7:00 in the evening eating under 100 calories, and then break like a shard of thin ice under pressure. Today, 8:45pm. I took out a slice of pie, fully aware of all the calories and fat, removed the wrapping. My mouth watered. I placed it on a plate, the smell tantalizing. Warmed it up in the microwave and took it out, perfect temperature - and put the slice back in the freezer. Washed the plate and put it a way. Down went a teaspoon of vinegar.

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Total Daily Calories: 655

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I’m back. I can do this.

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I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can. I can.

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I will.